Lorraine & Laverne - Episode 5 - Fat

TV: He’s a complicated man, but no-one understands him but his woman. John Shaft!

Lorraine: This is the best movie ever.
Laverne: I like it, don’t love it.
Lorraine: Don’t you-!
Laverne: Lorraine, we talked about being reasonable, didn’t we?
Lorraine: Fine. You’re perfectly entitled not to love Shaft. On an unrelated note, take the bus to work tomorrow.

[Phone rings]
Laverne: I’ll just-
Lorraine: I’ll get it!

Laverne: That was odd.

Lorraine: Okay, going out. See you later, or in the morning, or something.

Laverne: But not as odd as that.

Lorraine: I’m glad you called. You’ve been a very naughty boy.

Steve: I have.

Lorraine: By the way, it has to be a secret that you and I are seeing each other.
Steve: My lips are sealed.
Lorraine: Well, pucker them up, ‘cause momma’s coming in.

Steve: Mm, you know what’d be really hot?
Lorraine: What?
Steve: You, if you were thinner.

Many days later

Laverne: I just don’t know what to do, Mum. She’s just been sat on the sofa, not speaking, for two weeks.
Laverne: This is the strangest she’s behaved since she went through that phase of giving me poo updates.

 [Toilet flushes]

Lorraine: Pellets.

Lorraine: Laverne, I sense your presence. Come to me.
Laverne: I’ve got to go, Mum.

Lorraine: I need to lose weight, Laverne.
Laverne: Well, if you want to.
Lorraine: I didn’t before. I’ve always been happy with what I saw in the mirror.

Lorraine: Girl, you are looking fine.

Lorraine: It’s so insensitive; you don’t just go around telling people they’re fat.
Laverne: Well, why don’t I join you and we’ll lose some weight together?
Lorraine: Oh, good. I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you’re just morbidly obese, Laverne.

Laverne: Okay, are you ready?
Lorraine: As I’ll ever be.
Laverne: Then let’s go.

Laverne: Lorraine, I don’t think you’ve quite got the idea of this.

Lorraine: What makes you say that?

Laverne: Okay, ready to try again?
Lorraine: Don’t see what was wrong with it the first time, but alright.
Laverne: Let’s go.

Laverne: LORRAINE!

Laverne: Clearly, we need help.
Lorraine: I don’t see why; I jogged brilliantly.
Laverne: Up the road, and then you had seven burgers.


Tammy: I started eating after my husband left me. It started off small at first; I’d have the occasional cake between meals. But as the depression sank in, the overeating began to get more and more out of hand, until I was using food to fill the empty hole of despair in my life. I used to fill my shopping trolley up with just cakes and biscuits, things like that. I just couldn’t bear the loneliness, so I used food to plug it, and that’s how I got the way I am today.

Lorraine: What a fat bitch.

Laverne: Lorraine!

Emily: Thank you for sharing that with us, Tammy. Just remember that we’re all here for you during this difficult time.
Tammy: Thank you, Emily.
Emily: Now, you’ll notice we have a couple of new faces among us today. Why don’t you each come up and introduce yourselves?

Lorraine: What up, fat bitches? My name’s Lorraine.

All: Hi, Lorraine!

Lorraine: Alright? I’m just gonna make this quick; no getting emotional about it. Now, a few days ago my boyfriend – most of you won’t know what that is – told me that I’d be more attractive if I was thinner.

Five minutes later

Lorraine: It hurts so bad. I can’t go on! Had his way with me, he did! Then he just casually tells me, oh, you’d be more attractive if you were thinner! Take me now, God! Take me now!

Laverne: I’m proud of you, Lorraine. You really opened up tonight.
Lorraine: Yeah, I’m looking forward to going back next time.
Laverne: You see? It’s nice to have a support network, isn’t it?
Lorraine: Well, mostly just being around all those fat people makes me look thin.

Laverne: Oh, why do you have to be like this?
Lorraine: Like what?
Laverne: So condescending.
Lorraine: What are you trying to say?
Laverne: I’m trying to say, that sometimes you can be a bit of a- 
Lorraine: Yes?
Laverne: A bitch.

Lorraine: Harridan!

Laverne: Harlot!

Lorraine: Slut!

Laverne: Whore!

Lorraine: Hussy!

Man: Vicars, you say?

Several days later

Lorraine: Let the church say amen!
Congregation: Amen.

Lorraine: Now, I have a confession to make to you all. This is something that may come as a shock, so brace yourselves. I have recently learned… that I am fat.

Lorraine: Having spent two entire days attempting to lose weight, I have deduced that the only option for me is plastic surgery. I’ll be round with the charity tin now.

Man: Wait, wait. You want us to donate money to the church – so that you can get plastic surgery?
Lorraine: That is the general gist of it, yes.
Man: This is absolutely disgraceful! Where is Vicar Laverne? She’d never allow this!

Lorraine: Vicar Laverne is indisposed.

Laverne: Seriously, why do I keep falling for it when she says “there’s something in the crypt I want to show you”?

Laverne: I can’t believe what you did, Lorraine! Thanks to you, our patrons complained, and the both of us are subject to review! This is the worst thing you’ve done since you asked the pope what Hitler was like.

Lorraine: No… no…

Lorraine: Hello?
Lorraine: Is anyone there?

Lorraine #2: I am here.
Lorraine: But you’re me!
Lorraine #2: Yes, I am.
Lorraine: Is this heaven?
Lorraine #2: No, it’s just a big white room.

Lorraine: What do you want?
Lorraine #2: I come with a message.
Lorraine: What’s that?
Lorraine #2: You’re fat.
Lorraine: Well, that was a bit uncalled for.
Lorraine #2: No, it’s exactly what you need to hear. Deep down, you’ve always known you were fat, but it never bothered you. Why are you letting some guy, who isn’t even worth your time anyway, bother you? This is not who you are, Lorraine; things don’t bother you!
Lorraine: They don’t?

Lorraine #2: You know they don’t. Laverne was right. You wear your bitch crown with pride; you don’t let idiots like Steve tell you you’re fat. You’re above that.
Lorraine: I am above that.
Lorraine #2: Damn straight. Now, take back your crown, Lorraine! Take it, and wear it with pride!

Lorraine: I’m going to wear my crown with pride!

Laverne: I won’t even ask.

Steve: Lorraine? It’s three in the morning. What are you doing here?
Lorraine: I came to tell you it’s over, Steve.
Steve: Over? Why?
Lorraine: I know I’m a big girl, and do you know what else? I’m fine with it. I don’t need you to tell me I should be thinner. I’m better than that.

Steve: Well, you could stand to lose a few pounds.
Lorraine: I’m fine the way I am, thanks. And you know what? You’re not such a model yourself.

Steve: How could she say I’m fat? I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous!

Steve: Boy, you are looking fine.

Steve #2: But are you really looking?


TV: He’s a complicated man, but no-one understands him but his woman. John Shaft!

Lorraine: You know, I’ve been thinking; maybe I should lose some weight. Not for my appearance, but for my health.
Laverne: That’s very commendable.
Lorraine: Yeah.

Lorraine: Think I’ll go and get some cheesecake.
Laverne: I ate it all.

Lorraine: That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest; you’re a disgrace.