Lorraine & Laverne - Episode 3 - Date

Geoff: You look lovely this evening.
Laverne: Why, thank you.
Geoff: So, I’ve not seen a lot of your roommate yet.
Laverne: Oh, Lorraine? Yeah, there’s probably a reason for that.

Lorraine: I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny…

Laverne: She’s a little spirited.
Geoff: Spirited is alright with me. You should introduce me sometime.
Laverne: I’ll think about it.
Geoff: More wine?
Laverne: Oh, I shouldn’t.
Geoff: Oh, alright then.
Laverne: Pour it.


Laverne: Lorraine?

Lorraine: I’ve been expecting you. 
Laverne: I should imagine; I do live here.

Lorraine: Been having fun, Laverne? Been having fun without me?
Laverne: Oh, it’s not like that; I’ve just got a boyfriend is all.
Lorraine: And how long has this been going on?
Laverne: A couple of weeks.
Lorraine: And you didn’t think to mention it?

Laverne: Well, in all fairness, Lorraine, you caused my last boyfriend to jump off a cliff.

Lorraine: So, what’s he like, then?
Laverne: Nice, handsome.
Lorraine: Does he have a brother?
Laverne: I think so.
Lorraine: So, how about we double date?
Laverne: No offense, Lorraine, but you’re a terrible wingman.

Waiter: Would you like to order dessert?
Laverne: Oh, yes, I’ll have the chocolate sponge, please.
Waiter: Very good, madam.

Ian: Do excuse me, Laverne; I’m just going to the little boy’s room.
Laverne: Alright.

Lorraine: You sure you want to have that chocolate sponge, Laverne?
Laverne: What?
Lorraine: Well, it’s just that he’s quite an attractive man and you’re supposed to be wooing him, not winning prize pig at the farmer’s market.
Laverne: Lorraine!
Lorraine: Alright, alright.

Lorraine: I’m just saying; if you wanna make some room, toilet’s right over there.
Laverne: Lorraine!

Laverne: In short, you’re a terrible person.
Lorraine: I am not a terrible person! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out.
Laverne: Where?

Lorraine: The woman at the grocery store annoyed me today, so I’m gonna torch her car.

Laverne: How is she a vicar?!

A few days later

Laverne: Thanks for setting this up, Geoff.
Geoff: No problem.
Lorraine: When’s Steve getting here?
Geoff: He just texted me, so I’ll go out and meet him.

Lorraine: Christ, Laverne; usually your boyfriends look like they fell on their faces as babies, but you’ve really struck gold here.
Laverne: I know; I can barely believe how good looking he is.
Lorraine: Yeah, makes you wonder what he’s doing with you.

Laverne: Very funny.
Lorraine: Well, no, in all seriousness. I mean, he could have supermodels.
Laverne: Alright, stop now.
Lorraine: He could have Tyra Banks, that guy.
Laverne: Okay.
Lorraine: But he prefers Precious.
Laverne: Shut the hell up.

Laverne: Oh, he’s coming back! That must be his brother.
Lorraine: Ooh, where?

Lorraine: Oh, Jesus.

Mexican man: Qué?
Lorraine: We’re not doing that again.

Laverne: Oh, Lorraine, isn’t he precious?
Lorraine: Die.

Lorraine: So, Steve, what are you into?
Steve: Model trains.
Lorraine: Of course you are.

Steve: What are you into?
Lorraine: Jesus.
Steve: Oh, right.

Lorraine: So, are you into anything else, you know, besides model trains?
Steve: I masturbate quite a lot.

Lorraine: Nice to have a hobby.

Lorraine: I’m telling you, Laverne; there’s not a chance that I would ever sleep with that man, let alone start a relationship with him.

Geoff: Hey, bro, what did you say your favourite movie was again?
Steve: Shaft.

Lorraine: Do me, right here on the table.

Laverne: Well, I’ve got to admit, I didn’t think they really were going to do it right there on the table.
Geoff: Steve is full of surprises.
Laverne: Nothing really surprises me with Lorraine. You know, a couple of Christmases ago, she put on a charity dinner for the poor people of the parish, and she ate all the food herself.


Laverne: So, sex good?
Lorraine: Surprisingly so. We went at it for an hour and a half, all told. Granted, the first forty-five minutes was trying to find his penis.

Laverne: I’m surprised you weren’t thrown out of the restaurant.
Lorraine: Well, they wanted to, but they were scared to get too close. In the end, they just put health and safety cones around us.

Lorraine: And confiscated the Japanese family’s cameras.

Tim: That reminds me of the time me and Channing-
Lorraine: Channing?
Laverne: Oh, Tim, you finally found a boyfriend!

Tim: No, Channing’s my...
(He sighs)
Tim: Dildo.

Steve: Oh, man, you should’ve seen her, right? It was properly dirty. We were just going at it in front of everyone, man. I’ve got a raging erection now, just thinking about it.

Geoff: Hey, girls.
Laverne: Hey, there.
Lorraine: Alright?

Steve: It’s funny listening to you two talk.
Lorraine: Is it?
Laverne: How so?

Laverne: Oh, no, she didn’t!

Lorraine: What did I tell ya?
Laverne: Girl, you had best be trippin’!

Lorraine: Hell to the yeah, sister!

Laverne: I’m gon’ go to the bathroom.

Lorraine: You go, girl!

Lorraine: We don’t talk like that.
Laverne: I know exactly how we talk.

Laverne: She most certainly did not!

Lorraine: Didn’t I tell you this very thing?
Laverne: You’re partaking in humour, are you not?

Lorraine: I most certainly am.

Laverne: I’m going to go and relieve myself.

Lorraine: Yes, you do that.

Steve: Sorry, that just sounded exactly the same.


Laverne: So, good evening, huh?
Lorraine: Not bad.
Laverne: Will you see Steve again?
Lorraine: I don’t think so.
Laverne: Why not?
Lorraine: Well, the sex was good, but I can do better. I mean, come on, I’m absolutely stunning.
Laverne: And so modest.
Lorraine: Modest my ass, I’m Beyoncé.

Laverne: Hang on a minute, so, you’re Beyoncé and I’m Precious?
Lorraine: Laverne, I can’t help the hand that God dealt you.
Laverne: Oh, you are such a bitch.

Laverne: I’m making drinks; you want me to make you a coffee with that Anson Hot Beverage Maker you bought with church funds?
Lorraine: Don’t be ridiculous.

Laverne: I feel so close to Geoff, you know? It’s like we have a connection that other people don’t. Sometimes, we’ll be talking and he’ll know exactly what I’m going to say before I even say it.
Lorraine: Uh huh.
Laverne: I’m telling you, I’ve not had someone this special in my life for a long time. And he’s so handsome, too. I really hope it works out between us.

Presenter: …local politician and activist, who, earlier today, spoke out about the dangers of religion and how he believes people should turn away from the church.

Geoff: I honestly believe that religion is evil, and that those who preach the word of God, and claim to be saving us, do in fact seek to control us. I implore all free-thinking citizens to turn away from religion and escape the apron strings of overzealous vicars who would seek to threaten the very fabric of our forward-thinking society.